11. Girl Interrupted 

When my grandma died, even in her overwhelming grief of loosing her mother, my mum comforted me, with words I have already used in my blog.

It is okay to be sad, as otherwise how would you know when you are happy.

I have said this phrase to myself  quite a few times over my life. That is because that is life isn’t it? It’s ups and downs, twists and turns. If you don’t expect it to be tough at times, then you are heading for a serious shock!

Today I am sad. I don’t feel like me. I also know it will pass, and I will probably be smiley Anna again tomorrow.

It’s been a crazy 3.5 months. Diagnosis, operation, healing, chemo…. chemo…. more chemo…. not even half way through chemo! It dawned on me recently that cancer, whether I want it to or not, is going to have an impact on my life, and my families life, permanently!

That doesn’t mean that I think it will have a permanent negative impact. As I am a firm believer that your life is a series of your choices. You need to be responsible for your own happiness, and take ownership of stuff when it goes wrong, whatever that is, so you can deal with it, and move on.

While cancer is a scary and unwelcome beast, that I am hoping to beat, in a fight I never wanted to have. I am determined cancer will have some positive impact, if not for me, for my boys.

This is because cancer is here, in me, with me, and is now part of my life, and we must learn to live with each other.

I don’t like it, it has interrupted my happy little life and ‘Life Plan’. It has forced me to press the pause button when I just want to be on play. But here it is, and I won’t let it sit over my head like a dark cloud. It may be fighting with me, but I will not let it darken my boys sunny secure little world.

​While cancer is tough, crap, unwanted, frustrating and scary, it is also thought provoking. It has made me realise that you don’t pause and take a step back to review your life very often. How often in life do you get to sit back (albeit in a chemo fog) and think, review, process.

If there isn’t a tomorrow, would you be proud of the person you where? What would you change? How could you make life better, not just for you, but for the world too?

So, while, without a doubt, I am a Girl Interrupted. It doesn’t get me down, for longer than the odd day. This is because I keep the important perspective, that actually, I am still a very fortunate person. I have a happy life that is full of love, family, friendship, financial security. So many people do not have this. So many people have it so much tougher than me.

So I have decided to stop being scared of what might go wrong, get worse, kill me! And instead be excited about what could go right, and how lucky I am to have lived the life I have, and be able, right now, to continue to enjoy it. After all, life is not,I lived till 80. Life is happiness and fulfillment for however long you are around for.

As a result, being a girl interrupted, is actually a good thing in many ways, and this cancels out all the bad. That is because being sad about having cancer, has made me realise how very happy, I actually am.

  

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