17. Missing a beat

Before Sam arrived and life changed as we knew it, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I started to bleed and experience a lot of pain. They scanned me, and told me they were very sorry but there was no heartbeat and I was starting to miscarry. 

The doctor told me that we were not to worry, that it was very common and normal. I told him, not common or normal to me. To me, it was a lost baby, one that was already much loved and wanted. 


I fell pregnant with Sam, before the due date of baby 1. This means that I have conflicting feelings about the miscarriage. It’s a loss, but at the same time, I wouldn’t have Sam and Oliver if that pregnancy had resulted in a baby. So it was also not meant to be. Our family is Damian, myself, Sam and Oliver, and is just as it should be. 

Sad things happen. At the time of these events, it is very raw. Panic, fear, sadness, can seem all consuming. 


As I start round 7, I find that the rawness of how I felt back in April is a memory now. I have moved on from shock and fear and moved into resilience and acceptance. 

I mentioned chunking in a previous blog, and it’s importance has been highlighted again, as I review how my feelings, and my outlook, has changed from the beginning of all this, to now. 

In 6 weeks, chemo will be over and it will be scan time. I need to focus on getting the chemo done with, rather than let scanxiety ( made that word up!!) start to build within me. It is bubbling away inside me and I need to keep a lid on it. 

I can’t let my mind start to mull over the fact that I won’t be deemed cancer free for 5 years, and at any time, it could rear it’s horrible head, as an uglier, more evil  METASTATIC cancer. Even the word is horrible isn’t it! So I need to keep it in nice manageable chunks to keep me calm. 

I also need to keep, at the front of my mind, how cancer has made me make the most of now. 

(Like dancing the night away at Damo’s 40th party on Friday…) 

Oliver starting school this week has also reminded me of this, and taught me something too.  My heart missed a beat as I walked away from him knowing that now he had a little world I was not in control of, or central in. 


 

He was so excited about his next step of growing into a big boy. He didn’t stop to think it may be scary or overwhelming. I need to use a bit of Oliver joy, and take the next step in my cancer journey with as much hope and positivity as my little boy showed on his first day at school. 

It reminded me that while I may be old I need to look at things, sometimes, like a child does. With awareness but without judgement.


 

Life can be really scary and hard at times. However if we  break it down into manageable steps and try and approach life with as much positivity as we can scrape together, I think we will be amazed at what we can get through and what we can achieve.

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