24. Keeping your sh*t together somehow

I went back to work this week ๐Ÿ™Œ

It was good to be Anna again, not Damo’s wife or Sam and Oliver’s mummy. Just Anna. This has always been a key reason for loving work. However the return to work has also bought along new emotions.

Once treatment ended and I got the all clear, and the elation of that passed, anxiety and worry creeped in. During treatment, I felt I was always actively doing something about the cancer. Now I feel I have moved into no mans land. Waiting to see if it returns or not. I think this feeling will pass once I have a few clear (hopefully) scans back.

I am feeling this way as 2017 was a full on year and so when treatment ended, I had to process what had happened, to deal with it all. Chemo had put me in a nice little fog, once fully woken up from that fog, I had time to think about it all. Luckily while thinking about it, I realised 2017 had been far more FAB than f***ed ๐Ÿ˜€

Going back to work was the final step of going back to normal. It is a really good thing, and I am so lucky to be well and can go back to my ‘old’ life. I am very aware so many are not this lucky. As a result I need to give myself a good talking to, when the voice in my head says, don’t go back to work in case it comes back, and you will regret not spending every second possible with the children…….. I don’t think, for me, that is a healthy thing to do. I need to live. Not worry about something that may never happen!

It’s strangely quite hard to do though, this is because it has left me feeling quite vulnerable. Nervous about the future. Wanting to do stuff now, not risk leaving it till when the boys are older. Again, to deal with this, I have a word with myself, as I have a future, it’s gone, it could be gone for good, so get a grip and get on with it Anna! After 9 months of keeping your sh*t together, don’t loose it now! It makes me think how this is just part of life’s journey. Damian has always said when we have discussed work ‘Stress is relative. You can’t avoid it. So you may as well get paid for it’. This is true for the whole of life isn’t it? Unless you avoid living, you are, at some point, maybe several times, going to feel fear, despair, depression, anxiety etc. Just like you will feel love, joy, happiness, excitement etc.

The important thing is to remember that you can control your life, even though at times it feels impossible. As while you can’t control everything that happens to you, you can control how you react to it. You always have that choice. I choose to keep my sh*t together, take a deep breadth, process emotions as they hit me, accept there will remain an element of feeling vulnerable and scared for a little while yet, and enjoy having my life back.

Happy 2018 everyone. Thanks for reading my brain dumps. It has really helped writing it all down.

Xx

http://www.stmarkshospital.nhs.uk

#never2young

#BCAM

https://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk

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