Round 1 of chemo went well, and I am on day 2 of round 2, and feeling the Chemo fog descend. My oncologist said I was ‘definitely a glass half full girl’ as I told her all was well, and I was loving not having to take Sam to his swimming lessons (thanks grandma and grandad for taking this one on!)
It’s also half term, a time of happy and proud moments, sitting alongside moments of great frustration and despair. Yes I am spending time with my children!
Right now, I am in my sisters garden, as Oliver plays with blaze the monster machine and Sam plays football with his cousins. Resting before I begin my month of excercise to raise money for Bowel Cancer UK. The step up for 30 campaign begins on June 1st for 1 month and you do 30 minutes of excercise a day for 30 days. My sister and I have had a few practise gym sessions last week, which were slightly hilarious, and I am now ready! Kicking off the challenge with Barre Concept tomorrow.
So far I have raised £1,200, and so I will definitely be making sure I complete this challenge. So many people have kindly donated their hard earned cash to a wonderful charity and I will not let them down.
I wanted to do this, because when people find out that I am going through chemo, or that I have had surgery to remove my bowel cancer, people react with great sadness. Some try to hide it, others look very shocked, some have cried, some have written lovely messages. Universally it is greeted with a muted sadness. (We r British after all!) While I totally understand this reaction, as cancer is a scary word to all, I do sometimes want to shout, it’s ok, it’s not a death sentence. I have found people hug me hard when I leave a place, like they will not see me again. It makes me realise how much fear and how much misunderstanding there is about this disease; and I include myself in this. For this reason I want to raise money for Bowel Cancer UK, so understanding and not fear can sit alongside cancer. That this big killer, can be tamed. Caught early this is a curable disease.
It is this that brings me to the title of my latest post. Inspiration.
Thanks to you all for reading my blog. Many of you have told me I am amazing, so strong, INSPIRING.
These are wonderfully comforting words, that I greatly appreciate. However when people say it to me, I do feel a bit of a fraud, as I don’t think I am.
Why? There are two reasons.
1. I don’t see myself as that ill. (Yes the chemo makes me feel a bit meh, but it could be worse). Right now I have no cancer in any of my organs and if I had a ct scan tomorrow, no cancer will show up, as there isn’t any there. No, we can’t guarantee that there isn’t cancer cells in my system, waiting to settle and grow, but I am having chemo to make it really hard for them to do so. Yes maybe the cancer will return, but keeping the wise words of Winnie the Pooh front of mind, we can’t worry about what the future brings, if we do everything we can in the present to give us the best chance of a future.
‘What day is it?” Said Pooh
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh
I am not strong or inspiring, I have made a choice to see the positive in my situation, and I am getting on with it. It is not strength of character that has driven this, but lack of choice. I feel overwhelmed at times, and anxious. Tearful after tender moments I share with the boys, that suddenly feel more significant.
Although there are moments of overwhelming sadness, there are MORE MOMENTS of feeling so alive. So lucky to have the life I have, my family, my friends, my job, my home (you get the idea). Cancer gives you a massive kick up the arse, to remind you that life is a privilege, not to be taken for granted.
Thanks for reading xx